Manners maketh man

The zen of doing things well

One of my children works at a fast food outlet. Often they are short staffed. She tells me someone is aggressive and rude to servers every shift.

Years ago, a young person of my acquaintance said that someone they knew was “only” a waitress. When I asked this person why they described the waitress in that way, they said, “She’s not changing the world for the better, like an activist. She’s only serving people food.”

I should make it very clear that I’m not criticising this young person. At a similar age, I made grandiose political statements too. With time, I learned to think through the deeper ramifications of what I said. It’s all part of the learning process.

I simply note that I think the person’s attitude reflected something deeper, something they’d been taught at school or by society. As a result, this conversation has stayed with me. If this mindset is prevalent, people who “only” serve food are not worthy of respect. Only people who “change the world for the better” by campaigning vocally are worthy of respect.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

At the time when this conversation occurred, I’d just heard that a young man called Andy had died. Andy had worked at the café under the Law School for several years. I got to know him, and I learned that he was a commerce student, working at the café to make ends meet while he studied. Andy was invariably cheerful and kind. He knew my kids, and would give them chocolate frogs when they came to work, so they called him “Mr Chocolate Frog.” He told me he was leaving his job at the café to begin full time work, but first he was having a holiday. While he was on holiday, Andy fell from a balcony and was killed.

I cried when I heard of Andy’s death, and so did my kids. Sometimes he made my day better, and turned it around, with his cheerful attitude. We’d made him a farewell present. In his short life, he made a difference simply by being a decent human being, and doing his job well.

I explained to the young person that a guy who worked at a café had far more impact on my life than (say) someone like Greta Thunberg. I still feel sad about Andy’s death. He made my world a better place, in an immediate way.

I honestly don’t know why people would snap at a server at a fast food restaurant. Maybe they think it’s “only” a server, and that it’s fine to take out their frustration on a kid. Maybe they don’t even see the server as a person, or think about what they’re doing. I don’t know. People don’t see the fact that outlet is short staffed behind the counter, and that’s not the kid’s fault: someone is sick, someone is away.

When my kid told me of the rude customers, I thought back to that long-ago conversation about Andy and the waitress, and wondered if our society has come to teach young people that some services don’t “matter”, only loud campaigns for social change have value. If so, this is short-sighted.

When I was in Japan recently, I was struck by the prevalence of good manners. Oh, I’m sure they have rude customers, just as in Australia, and I am also sure that there are ways to be rude in a “polite” way, but in general, people were vastly more polite. I was also struck by the way in which, generally, even small shops put immense care into the service and presentation of their food.

I wonder if this reflects the zen of doing things well. Even small things are worthy of effort and care. We should show gratitude for small things, not just for big showy things where a person is saying to the world, “Look how good I am, look at the good I do for others.”

A real sen garden I saw in Japan. It would not work here: gumleaves would fall on it, and wild animals would dig it up.

Another friend told me of a company where the final hurdle involved an interaction between the applicant and a junior employee. It was apparently astonishing how many people had fantastic interviews with senior staff, but treated the junior abominably, and let slip all kinds of details because the junior employee “didn’t matter”. In fact, the “junior employee” was a senior employee with a youthful manner and appearance, and it was a test of almost fairytale proportions.

How we treat people matters. Yes, we all have bad days, and we all have times when we snap at others. I’m no exception.

Ultimately, however, we can change the world for the better simply by treating other people with respect and decency when they are doing us a service. I don’t think anything I do or say will influence global politics, or change the path of any wars, or save the world.

I do think that through my actions, I might be able to value the small ways in which others make my life happier and easier. The true test of my character lies not in how I treat the great and the good, or in what causes I promote. It lies in how I treat those whom others might think “don’t matter.”